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Naseeb Blog Connecting Muslims across the world

25May/09

Just Friends

It is a very common phenomenon for people in a relationship to suggest to be 'just friends' after they break up. I

how intelligent is it to be 'just friends?

understand that it is very difficult to let go of people not only because of emotional dependencies but habit and physical compatibility as well.

However, my question is that how intelligent is it to be 'just friends?' Isn't is harder for sensitive people to be just friends with someone they wanted so much more with? Doesn't it complicate either parties marriage to another person?

What is the best way of dealing with such a situation?

-------------------------------

Anonymous


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  1. naseebblogger
    June 13, 2009 11:56pm

    I personally can't be friends with anyone whom I approached from the point of view of marriage. In most cases one party dump other (very rarely end is mutual), so one party most likely still have feelings for other. In my opinion becoming friend with a potential rishta guy/girl is just asking for trouble. No relationship is perfect, every husband and wife will go through some difference at some point in time and if there is another person to turn to, it can get complicated. Having said that I do have female friends from school, college and work, about whom I never thought of any thing more than friend. I still communicate with them and they are invited to my wedding as well

  2. Rubes_7
    June 14, 2009 7:29pm

    I can only suggest that you part in such away that the opposite sex looks up to you, gives him/her something to think about, when it comes to being friends it'll never be the same if you were previously friends, especially if 'love' is involved! Just remain calm/collected hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst!

  3. mhdslm
    June 16, 2009 1:01pm

    1) How intelligent is it to be 'just friends? - Less than Zero Percent 2)Isn't is harder for sensitive people to be just friends with someone they wanted so much more with? - Easier said than done Doesn't it complicate either parties marriage to another person? - Totally Ruins it What is the best way of dealing with such a situation? - No turning Back

  4. manbeast
    June 4, 2009 11:11am

    the purpose of relationships is to foster an understanding between two people, so that they can see if marriage is right for them, or not. are you advocating arranged marriages? where the groom and bride never meet and then get married (remember: even in an arranged marriage where the groom and bride "get to know each other" for a period of time is being in a relationship). yeah, that sounds TOTALLY islamic. Allah wants us to marry people we have no feelings for. awesome. show me in the quaran where it says EXACTLY that getting to know your potential husband/ wife is haraam. if you can't cite that(and i knwo you won't), then shut up, and crawl out of the cave you live in and come into the light- not only have we been waiting for you, but so has Allah.

  5. PrinceSam360
    June 4, 2009 2:00pm

    manbeast your a sheep..you have a lot to learn mr 2009 rockstar. a lot.

  6. manbeast
    June 4, 2009 2:53pm

    thank you for proving my point, and in turn, yourself wrong. debatign with clowns like you is the best, i don't even have to TRY. haha!

  7. PrinceSam360
    June 4, 2009 9:28pm

    Your a little beta homo paki, how on earth would know anything about debating??? Your a typical kitten, you should go back to your Strings concert and pretend to be educated.

  8. umber76
    June 5, 2009 1:31pm

    It is definitely tough to be "just friends" -- especially if one person didn't want to break up and is still emotionally invested. I've seen it go either way. On one hand, it's inherently hard to see someone and interact with them in a more limited way. It will feel like constant "rejection" to not have the deepness or fullness of the relationship you had before. It could be hurtful or awkward. And yes, seeing the person move on/be with someone else..could be an awful experience. It could be like experiencing the pain of the break up all over again. Or, even if both of you are able to handle it maturely, your or his/her future significant other might feel awkward, be suspicious, feel threatened, etc. Plus, what is your or your ex's "agenda" in staying friends? Is it that you or he/she wants the other person as their "back up" (if nothing else works out I still have...)? That's a dangerous situation. Is it an ego thing? Is it to be flirtatious and to prove that the other person still finds you attractive? Is it to stay in touch with the hopes of pursuading them (or their persuading you) to reverse the decision to break up? ....or is it genuine friendship that is offered? So on one hand, if you want to ensure no future drama, just part ways respectfully and leave the past fully in the past. On the other hand, sometimes both parties mutually agree that it's just not going to work out from a logistical standpoint or something else that is not felt or perceived as "rejection". Or maybe you realize that while you might respect or care about each other, you're just not compatible to build a life together/marriage. Then it is possible to stay friends. After all, this is a person who might know you better than anyone else. It might be someone who will be good at being supportive or giving you tailored advice in the future. Maybe you two have become friends with each other's friends and your lives are too intertwined to make a clean break. But it requires *a lot* of discipline and maturity to maintain boundaries and keep it at "friends only". In a moment of lonliness, insecurity, stress, or something...it could be easy for things to get complicated. Most people fail to maintain those boundaries..and that leads to drama. Sometimes, it might be that you two are in the same social circle, same profession, same community, etc. Whether you like it or not, you two might repeatedly run into each other. In that case, I recommend staying casual friends so that it's not awkward for you or anyone around you. You might even choose to meet up of coffee one day just to get that first meeting over with..and establish the new interaction...instead of waiting to run into each other. But keep the interaction the way you would with a colleague at work -- avoid doing anything that has the two of you alone, in intimate surroundings, or evokes any emotional memories. I do think that while it can be hard to see someone you've dated with someone new. It can actually be a good thing to *see* it. Sometimes that's exactly what you need to fully move on and let go. Seeing the person forge a new bond drives home the fact that your bond with him/her is fully broken. But then again, everyone's different. People who are prone to jealousy, competition, insecurity might find it intolerable to see their ex move on. For such people, seeing the person move on only makes them want that person *more* or makes them feel inadequate as they compare themselves to that new person. It also depends on just how intense your "relationship" was. Did you just meet for dinner a few times because families set you up? Or were you together for years? Were you physical with each other? How much? Was your connection more of an intellectual or companionate one or an intensely passionate one? How experienced at dating were both of you when you started dating (were there any "firsts")? Does one of you feel betrayed, angry, hurt, or rejected? All those are important when considering if you two can stay friends. Anyhow, there's no single answer to your question. My advice: Know yourself. Know your ex. Know your situation. And then make the right decision for your situation. But if in doubt, just part ways and save yourself future drama.

  9. manbeast
    June 12, 2009 11:57am

    the same can be said about women. don't assume that women are always the victims in these situations. women get their hand's just as dirty.

  10. sam77
    June 11, 2009 9:26pm

    Two people who are dating and it doesnt work out should just walk away and not be friends. Often guys who are no longer interested in the relationship will tell the girl that he just wants to be friends and he is ONLY doing it becuase he doesnt want to create a scene or hurt the girls feelings or becuase he isnt man enough to just tell the girl he isnt interested anymore. The girl of course who is still interested in the guy will agree to being friends, hoping beyond hope that she will get him back. Its a retarded situation to be in and any girl who is ever in that situation should just realize the guy isnt interested anymore and that she is not going to get ANYTHING out of being friends with the guy other than more pain.

  11. bibomiko
    June 10, 2009 2:00pm

    If two have been deeply in love and feelings, it will be almost impossible to make friendship. "lets be friends" after "break up" common reaction, but seriously it is not going to work whatever you do. I want to say that breaking up is still breaking up, i feel sick from the people who tend to do this after failing in a love relationship. let it be, its not the end of the world, and the one who broke up with you is not going to be the best or last friend in this world.. go over it :)

  12. PrinceSam360
    June 9, 2009 12:49pm

    hhahahh!!! Your little college essay writing doesnt impress me rockstar. Be creative, have some mind over matter in your thought process. This simple herd mentality doesnt move me. This is not a class room, be unique!!! kitten! if i wanted to *debate* with you i could go to any Star Bucks in the 52 states and find some cracker to "debate" with. Your just another grain of sand on the beach "paki" boy. stay in line!!!

  13. manbeast
    June 9, 2009 5:24pm

    is this clown for real?

  14. MAVERIK_T0MCAT
    June 9, 2009 7:31pm

    Dude in crude words what you're being offered is an invitation to be a personal door mat (emotional dependency) or either a Use as I please doormat and a f-buddy (emotional and intimate dependencies), you know the person more than anyone else here so you could sum that one up yourself that which one applies. AND secondly what you had is over, so now decision is yours whether you would like to choose any of those options or would you forfeit the game where she makes the rules and you dance like a puppet. Peace

  15. manbeast
    June 9, 2009 11:23am

    look, you still haven't proved how you're right and i'm wrong. just saying that i'm "uneducated" or "a kitten (??)" doesn't make you right. if anything, you continue to embarass yourself. it's a kitten, that when backed into a corner abandons all rationale and starts acting out violently. princess sam, i fear, my furry friend, you're the kitten in this situation. as for the homo bit. i don't know how you can tell what my s3xusal preferences are. are you projecting? i know from pretending to be educated that it's tough to prefer the company of men, particularly the company you prefer, in pakistan. acting out of repressed feelings is only natural for you. i hope someday, you'll be able to come out and fully enjoy your life as you were biologically wired to.

  16. llkoolj
    May 26, 2009 12:02am

    If you were married and had kids together, it is extremely necessary to be courteous and civil in your interactions with the ex-spouse. However, if you were just getting to know someone with the intention of marriage but one of the party realizes they are too awesome for the other why would someone pretend to be friends. Usually the dumpee feels that the dumper will view them in a different light as time passes and they might still have a chance of getting back. So yeah it does hinder ones process of finding a significant other. No contact rule works well for most people. I have made some generalizations here so do whatever you want to do, after all its your life.

  17. mzahid
    May 26, 2009 1:25am

    First let me say, good post. I am sure a lot of people here will learn something from this post or get new ideas on handling relationships that did not work for some reason and ended it on a note lets be friends. Friendship differs between gender, guys and gals friendship can exist as long as there are no intimate moments or memories you know what I mean. Once, feelings are involved and for some reason relationship failed to meet its goal then it is not correct to put lets be friends label. It is the hardest thing to do is watch the one you care and love, love someone else. It does have a potential of complicating future relationships. Let me ask you, why carry past luggage into present and live a heavy future life? I suggest, travel light with less baggage; it is easier to carry, manage and life journey can be like taking a walk in a park; the way it should be.

  18. k_u_l_f_i
    May 26, 2009 5:11am

    Only people who are dumb in the head find it hard to be friends after the break up of a relationship... u need to start thinking differently...

  19. Aasmaan_asl
    May 26, 2009 5:39am

    typically after a break up, the 'lets be friends' statement is just a polite way to part. the person that says it usually has no intention of actually being 'friends', but it is a decent way to keep up appearances in public as opposed to one party avoiding the other and a way for the closure to be on a respectable note.

  20. t-dog
    May 26, 2009 10:12am

    When you have been in an intense relationship and feelings of caring or love were felt and expressed it is often difficult to go back to indifference. The opposite of love is not hatred as we're taught, but rather indifference. Most of us if we're truly caring about a person cannot automatically switch over to that indifference so casually. With time, yes, but automatically? No. In the beginning the suggestion of "let's be friends" may just be a polite way to deal an awful blow to the person who may not have wanted to end the relationship. In that situation it's probably kinder to just yank that bandaid off as fast as possible and get him/her out of your life. On the other hand, as in the scenario I am considering in the first paragraph, if two people were married for instance for years now and are divorcing, or two people were in a solid relationship for years and it's just not working out for whatever reasons, it's entirely possible for the couple to remain friends. It shows maturity. The only problem arises when one of that former couple becomes part of a new "couple" and leaves that former friend out cold. It can still work where the two are friends if the newest addition is okay with that (probably very, very rare) at which time it might end where that friendship is ended. I know people who have made a friendship with ex-husbands work as a result of children or whatnot, but it can lead to a strain on the new relationship if that person doesn't understand the dynamics of the friendship, is jealous of the intimacy that is still shared (and no, I'm not talking about sexual intimacy) after all those years, or is uncomfortable for any other reasons. Every circumstance would arise a different answer to your question. In the end, it's up to you and the person you're about to be friends with as to whether or not it's a good idea. Evaluate why that friendship is necessary or desired. Evaluate the pros and cons of future break-ups if it were to arise and evaluate the risk that the person is hanging on hoping for a reconciliation as well. I don't think there is a best way, only the way you're going to need to deal with it in your life. Good luck to you.

  21. manbeast
    May 26, 2009 12:25pm

    please define "physical compatibility"

  22. NaseebSucksAss
    May 26, 2009 7:32pm

    sam adams summer ale

  23. twistedmind
    May 26, 2009 7:48pm

    now you could spin that around and keep tapping that tail when you want.. :) A lot of folks I know have done exactly that...stayed friends after breaking up just so they could mess around and satisfy the needs...

  24. HumbleMale
    May 26, 2009 9:34pm

    I have not seen a single case that this would work, and I have seen many breakups. Only exception, time, give it time, long time and there might be a chance if the meaning of 'moved on' is realized

  25. bilkeys
    May 26, 2009 10:38pm

    If the person was a long time friend which later turned into a romantic interest, I can kind of understand that you have a prior friendship to fall back on, but if your friendship only developed as your romantic relationship did, what is the reason for continuinng the relationship if the romantic side didn't work out? It will be harder to move on for both parties. The only reason you would really stay in touch with someone after you break up would be if you have children together. Other than that...there is nothing that binds you two, if there was, you would have been able to work it out.

  26. lost
    May 27, 2009 1:57am

    'just friends' after they break up is NOT a good idea on so many levels.

  27. Aliya06
    May 27, 2009 3:09am

    it is very difficult to let go of people not only because of emotional dependencies but habit and physical compatibility This is extremely interesting to say the least. What perspective is this question asked from? The first part makes it sound as if the questioner is the one disengaging from the relationship but the second part implies as if the questioner's partner is leaving a good relationship. I will refrain from a religious answer for obvious reasons.................... Coming to a secualr answer I dont see anything wrong with "being friends later" from a married life viewpoint. A guy or a girl chooses to live like a spouse with someone and then gets dumped or dumps himself/herself. Whoever, marries this person should be "open minded" about it, no? Unless ofcourse he lives with an "easy" girl and then dumps her to marry a "shareef" girl. Then its a problem yes! Then you should just write off your ex. The politically correct answer is found in FRIENDS where past intimate relationships are "just friends" later. Anyone who disagrees is a regressive mullah anyway. Hurrah for the popular culture and for political correctness. Anything goes!!!! The only rule is that there are no rules.

  28. RedRose65
    May 27, 2009 8:19am

    if both people have come to a mutual understandign that the relationship is over jsut for the fact that they hve grwon out of love with each other and neither wants to stay togetehr...i can see it working...but if one of them has had this decision imposed on them by the other and is not ready to break free then that person's need to move on/get back wiht the said person will be an internal battle that can only be resolved in isolation from the said person - some in this situation may convince the said person that they are happy to be "jsut friends" maybe in the false hope that the said person will change their mind in time if they are able to still stay in contact...but this only prolongs putting closure on something that has already reached closure in the other person's mind...

  29. AsifSh
    May 27, 2009 11:58am

    Personally, I think it depends on the maturity level of both parties involved. Having said that though, I have read a number of articles on this topic & they say its impossible for 2 people who once had a relationship to be "just friends" because more often than not previous feelings will crop up.

  30. Sweetbug
    May 27, 2009 4:18pm

    Women out there should dump the dude who promised friendship before or after, you know what kind of friendship I am talking here. Somone to keep will keep you, love and commit for life. Any less you do not deserve.

  31. HumbleMale
    May 27, 2009 10:28pm

    "regressive mullah"! The concept of to be 'just friends' after a breakup, be realistic - this is not an ideal world that both parites should understand and be happy for the other to find another partner. This goes with both sexes, no one is better that the other. A 'clean cut' is a viable solution. Latter concept will not work if kids are involved and that is a completely different story.

  32. lots2goround
    May 28, 2009 10:01am

    There is no such thing as "just friends" no matter how much of an understanding the 2 may have. The fact of the matter is human nature is sometimes unpredictable. Even the one who suggested "just friends", might one day see the other in a different light or angle and change their mind. This is especially true for men, since we are more prone to visual stimuli. For the woman, if they were to see their ex-guy with a lady more attractive than them, then their "feelings" somehow come back (personal experience). This is nothing more than competition/jealousy with the other female (Talking about this takes me back to high school, CHILDISH!). This of course only happens if the 2 are in each others constant company. So the best way to avoid all of this and save time and stress, is NOT to search for your "soul mate" unless you have a proper criteria i.e. "what one can offer you spiritually, not physically or financially...!" of course the latter two are important but they should NOT hold priority. Sure I can get a beauty queen as a wife, but most probably she will be deficient in virtue and character. "How does one handle anger?" "what one thinks the role of husband/wife should be", "what is the most important thing in ones life" avoid anyone who says "my career", they will be a horrible husband/wife and father/mother, or it will result in a deficient marriage. These are the questions that people must ask, which will yield the most fruits! "self satisfaction is the root of all problems"

  33. ajah
    May 28, 2009 5:48pm

    I think this phenomenon of 'Just Friends' is for those who are afraid of going through the break up drama after ending the relationship, which of course we want to avoid. Some people just can't stand the sudden break up and may go into depression, in such cases, slow depart is suggested. But if you are mature enough to understand and accept the fact that you can't keep going and have to break up then why to waste time and drag it through months? It's better to get over with it and move on to your life as soon as possible. I agree with aasmaan'Just Friends' is just a polite way of letting the other person know that you want to end the relationship.

  34. SairaBX
    May 28, 2009 8:55pm

    i guess it depends on what you each decide. you have to lay the foundation first. 1. are you married? if you are, is your wife/husband ok with your ex being in your life? this is super important! if they are not, then you should not have your ex in your life. period. if you don't agree with this, you shouldn't be married (sorry, but come on!) 2. are you single and your ex is married? see comment 1 3. are you both single? if this is true, and you both are still looking for 'the one', then you have decided that it is NEVER going to work between the two of you. 3a. if you have realized that you two are never going to be together, and you want to be friends, then you cannot be physical with each other. dude, that's just icky. then you aren't friends, you are f*ck friends. ick! 4. from your question, it seems as if your ex is still emotionally involved with you but you have moved on. if that's the case, the real question is - are you still emotionally attached? it looks like you are, since you are asking this question. if you want this person in your life, you gotta ask yourself 'why?'. if there are a lot of emotions involved, be careful. you will end up hurting someone along the way. it's good that you care about your ex's emotions, but your emotions are important too. if you are confused or trying to figure things out, you gotta ask yourself why you are doing this. if you have someone, then why are you worried about someone it didn't work with? if you are single, you might telling yourself that it was actually comfortable with this person, and it might still work. but then again, there have been plenty of times when ex's are just friends and have realized that it's over. (not to be a tv bum, but jerry and elaine from seinfeld???!!!) finally, i gotta say this - if your past relationship with your ex was so intense and serious, why did you let them go in the first place? the answer to that question, should lead you to the answer of your posted question

  35. Foxglove
    May 29, 2009 7:17am

    If the break-up was on bad terms e.g. you had been abused / cheated on by the other person, then by all means cut them out of your life! However if it was amicable, then I see no reason why the two parties should not stay friends. To cut off all contact in this instance seems cold and abrupt. Besides, you might still want to help each other out with professional networking and similar areas! If you really loved your ex, I think some part of you would always care about them and how they were doing - even if that means they find happiness with someone else. You might need to take a break from each other in the weeks immediately after the split, but these wounds will heal. If you end up marrying someone else, then you can introduce your spouse to your opposite-sex mates (which may include exes), so they can socialise with you as a couple.

  36. newcairo
    May 29, 2009 4:47pm

    just a friend with distance will be my best advise (3rd degree friend). there are those friends which you are too close to, 2nd degree friends which you can just hang out with, and 3rd degree friends which you just greet each other from time to another or online friendship.

  37. A5635669x
    May 30, 2009 11:34am

    OH pai!....OH Pai!.. meri gal sun... tainu juttiyaan khaan da showk haiga?? hain?? dass mainu! lagda toh ehi hai... unno GOLI maar oye! nai maar sagda tay jaa fair... juttiyaan khaa...

  38. Nagman123
    May 30, 2009 8:09pm

    As someone said earlier, if kids are involved then it is both parents responsibility to keep a polite and functional relationship, even if it is not friendly. Subsequent marriage will be complicated when kids are present. That is all part and parcel of divorce after kids are born. If kids are not involved, then why on earth would anyone want to be around the remnants of a failed relationship. There is no point. Accept your failure and move on.

  39. MAVERIK_T0MCAT
    May 30, 2009 8:13pm

    It's just a selfish and pathetic way of letting go of someone. The person suggesting "just friends" is either probably in denial or possibly having withdrawal syndromes. They wanna be around you, curious to know about your whereabouts, but without the liability of the ex relationship.

  40. afgpartychic
    May 30, 2009 8:55pm

    It will do you no good to keep someone around who is an ex - they are an ex for a reason and it is better to end things with a sharp knife than dull scissors. Cut your losses and move on :)

  41. force_of_nature
    May 31, 2009 7:42am

    I see alot of folks have said its best to cut your losses and move on and hence have no further interaction with the person. Having an ex as a mate, can only work if both parties are over the emotional ties. If however one thinks that the other will change their mind over time or something, then it certainly ain't a good idea to 'remain friends'.

  42. newlife777
    May 31, 2009 7:09pm

    It is actually ideal when human relations continue on good terms when roads built on crossed hopes turn into real roads parting people away. This is not easy though. When we love we get emotionally involved building a sweet feeling of belonging and positivly possessing the one we love. This is different than the belonging we feel towards a friend. And because we are human, its easier for us to escalate and promote our emotions- meaning getting closer than getting further. If our emotions were true and deep, it would be possible to depart with a smile and on good terms but to turn it into friendship? well possible but it takes a lot of maturity, strength and self control where one has full control over their feelings to swith them on and off as they need. Im obviously a believer of "live and let live" and "better safe than sorry"

  43. PrinceSam360
    June 2, 2009 1:23am

    Just keep them for backup..this is what americans do. Why not imitate them ? You sheep love to blend lines nowadays. You all love to rationalize your religion and way of living. Why do you derelict naseebers keep getting into "relationships"? What do your parents think of this ? You muslims get into your little relationships, then "break up" then run and marry someone else? why this cattle brain behavior?? why? Now because of you all of the women are a bunch of fixer uppers, second hand hand me downs. You kats are in desperate needs of improvement.

  44. zebah
    June 2, 2009 11:25am

    It all boils down to one thing : the level of maturity of both parties. Life is too short to want to cut ties with someone with whom you have shared special moments.. as long as the friendship does not intrude on any new relationships..

  45. HumbleMale
    June 3, 2009 7:42pm

    Everyone (OK - majority, with exception of few) is giving idealistic advice. None are real and will not work in this world, too many emotions and none of us are mature enough, despite what we would like to claim. Clean cut the most viable solution...

  46. daniness
    June 18, 2009 12:37am

    Being "just friends" with someone you once considered or still consider deep down as much more, is impossible. The strong feelings are still there, albeit, buried due to the ending of a relationship, which may or may not have been a mutual decision. Of course remaining friends with someone you have/had feelings for will definitely negatively affect either party's marriage to someone else. There may be trust issues which develop as a result of maintaining such a "friendship". In my honest opinion, the best way of dealing with such a situation would be to drop ALL ties with the other person and move on. Will this be easy? Of course not! Is this necessary? Yes, and very much so, for the well-being of all involved parties.


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